Chaotic

Encounter #5 – ‘Two lines of difference’

I have always felt becoming one with the love of your life is a remarkably special thing. I was lucky enough to get united with my love, the June of this year. Mine was a super thriller love, since her dad is a stunt man in Film industry everyone who knew me used to warn me or plead saying “Machi don’t take my name anywhere in your love matter”. Somehow I pulled up all the courage that I had and approached her parents and got them convinced. We started our married life with a billion dreams. We were spending every moment like we were in a fairyland, till the 9th day of our married life.

My father met with a terrible accident incurring brain injuries, by the time I was in Kerala for honeymoon. We had rush and catch a plane to reach Chennai. It took 20+ days for my dad to show signs of consciousness. Meantime, we had to shuttle him between 3 different hospitals to bring him to safe zone. On the 30th day of my married life, when we were sighing with a bit of relief from the all the chaos, we had an even more terrible hit awaiting. We had to lose my brother’s life which made my family collapse catastrophically, especially my Mom who was the spine of our family. As a continuum, fear and guilt shadowed the family, we had to shut our family business. Fear and guilt took a great toll on my mom and sister’s physical and mental health; the shut of business threw us in a financial crunch.

My better half was by side with all her dreams collapsed and having no strength to take further hits. I too was at the verge of getting broke. Luckily I had a few people to share things, which I never used to do. One such friend, Suresh Balachandar introduced me two lines of words from one of his favorite books. Those two lines made a remarkable difference in the way I perceived the situation, it gave me enough strength to step a further mile. It pushed me to carry my family with immense hope.

We as a family are slowly recovering now, and I still have those two lines from the book ‘Puyalile Oru Thoni’ pinned on my table and mind.

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“There isn’t a distance which cannot be crossed or a burden which cannot be carried”. (Note : Tried translating the two lines of hope)

 

Pebble #7 : Being Chaotic…

This post is a continuation of my previous posts

Phase I : Being Different…

Phase II : Being Abnormal…

Phase III : Being Chaotic

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My schooldays were over. I had a very short college life and that’s when i entered this chaotic phase of my life. I started questioning and doubting all the fundamentals i believed so far. Religions too were a part of them.

A couple of years back, in my church when they asked me teach the Sunday school children, the story of Adam and Eve,

I said, “No. I can’t”.

They,”Why don’t you?”.

I said, “No. I don’t believe that story anymore for it looks like a cartoon story. How could i teach something, that even i don’t believe?”.

“What the hell do you mean?”,  now the tone was different and I could see certain eyes were getting red.

“I don’t mean anything, I just question. How there was so much wisdom entrapped in a fruit?? Just by eating that how did Adam and Eve became the wisest of all creatures and the first sinners of the human race?”.

“Don’t you question the word of the lord. They are holy secrets”.

I replied saying,”There are no secrets. If there are, they are meant to be revealed”

My church elders cursed me, “How dare you deny the very truth of the lord. It is written in the holy book and the whole world believes it. How do you deny it, little Moron”.

I said, “I don’t question the presence of Lord or Satan. Let’s assume that I believe their presence, but how could  a simple fruit make the whole human race filled with seeds of sin?”

“What the hell do you think, might have happened then?”.

I replied, “I guess, Eve must’ve had an intercourse with Satan (if there was somebody called Satan). Hence there was the seed of sin. In such case we are all heirs of Satan, not of the Lord your God”.

They must’ve really found it Chaotic.

Well,

Some say, “You are different”.

Some say, “You are abnormal”.

Some say, “You are chaotic”.

Very few say, “You are nothing”… and I prefer that.

P.S. : No religious sarcasm intended. Discussions are very welcomed and appreciated.

Pebble #5 : Being Abnormal…

This post is a sequel of my previous post Phase I : Being Different…

Phase II : Being Abnormal

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My teenage was really messed… Whatever you think ‘fun’ in that age were taught as ‘sin’ to me.

I remember the first book I ever  read (apart from my textbooks) was the Holy Bible. I was taught bible, in home, in church and in school. Even before I could think and conclude which is good and evil, I was taught and trained in following certain things which are believed to be good. By then, I had gone through the whole bible.

I had the same attraction that everybody had on the opposite gender, but I was filled with guilt for it. I felt guilty and thought myself as a sinner for just looking at a girl whom I found to be immensely pretty. I felt guilty, falling in love (maybe infatuation by that time).

I found that friend of mine to be a sinner, for he was dating a girl in my class. I had a regular battle between what is meant as Good and Evil inside me.

My classmates found it really abnormal to be a teenager. I found it quite restless, during my teenage. Because every time I looked at a girl, the following verse from the holy book echoed all over my mind…

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. (Matthew 5:27-28).

I was totally devoid of peace. I felt guilty all the time and I tried living upto the life bible taught me. But I failed and I became a guilty man. I was driven by guiltiness. Yes, that was a little chaotic.

When that first girl proposed me, I yelled at her saying “You bloody evil, I won’t fall for all these. Get rid of me”. She must have really found it immensely abnormal.

Every Sunday I went church and I ended up realizing that all the youngsters who were believed to be good disciples and who were set as good examples, had their own boy / girl friends and the worst part is they did all those non-sense in church itself :'(. When given a chance, every youth in my church were preaching about blessings and miracles of the Lord, I was one who preached about sin and questioned everyone. My church elders and the senior preacher found it abnormal for a teenager to preach so much about sin.

Once, myself and a friend of mine were walking in the tower park, where the pond was filled with lilies. She asked me to pick one for her,

I said “I wont”.

“Why?”

“If you like the flower, let it be in the plant. Be it live”

“I don’t need explanations, I need the flower. Why aren’t you plucking one for me? Let the rest of the flowers be in their plants”.

I said,”I feel, it will be painful for the flower if we pluck it”.

She looked at me so strangely and in her eyes i could see how abnormal my reply was..

 (…to be continued with Phase III : Being Chaotic…)

Pebble #3 : Being Different…

Some say, “You are different”.

Some say, “You are abnormal”.

Some say, “You are chaotic”.

Very few say, “You are nothing”… and I prefer that.

What do they really mean by the adjectives, different, abnormal, chaotic???

Does anybody really know how does it feel to be one of those??

Dare-to-be-Different

Phase I : Being Different

Yeah, as a child I did few weird things.

When everyone used their notebooks from front page, I tried using them from the last page.

Yeah, I had some strange symbols in the place where my name should be.

Yeah, I spoke to walls… I preferred them than those people around me.

Well I found it funny by the time, but my teachers didn’t. They found it crazy.

Yes, in my every notebook I had a set of pages simply filled with question marks and those favorite strange symbols.

Though I was the youngest in my class, I was excessively built and had moustache and beard stumps in my fifth / sixth standard itself; they found it different again.

All those teachers of mine, wanted me to sit in the last bench far far away from them all. Except for a few who knew what I was then. I had this situation of changing my seat every hour based on the teacher yet to come to class. I had  a different time table for my seating arrangement.

I was hardly speaking till I was eighth standard.

My parents found it different and they initially started asking me to talk what’s there in my mind. They also meant that they were ready to listen. But had I anything to speak??.

Days went on, and they started worrying about me and pleaded me to talk out. And in a couple of days, they found it very strange and frustrating which resulted in I getting beaten off for not talking.

A fine night I decided, I will talk henceforth. But I had no subject to talk of, so I had the stress of creating events or things so that I can talk of them. Later I found my tongue immediately delivered whatever I was thinking in my mind, even before I could finish thinking about it. My parents turned happy that at last I am talking.. but I felt it bad, speaking something meaningless always just like the way am writing this post now..

Yes, everyone laughed when I induced that friend of mine to ask a doubt in that specific chapter in biology which every teacher deliberately skipped all those years. But I didn’t know, that it was so embarrassing to question / answer that topic.

Well they all said, “You are different”.

(…to be continued with Phase II : Being Abnormal…)