Chaos

Encounter #5 – ‘Two lines of difference’

I have always felt becoming one with the love of your life is a remarkably special thing. I was lucky enough to get united with my love, the June of this year. Mine was a super thriller love, since her dad is a stunt man in Film industry everyone who knew me used to warn me or plead saying “Machi don’t take my name anywhere in your love matter”. Somehow I pulled up all the courage that I had and approached her parents and got them convinced. We started our married life with a billion dreams. We were spending every moment like we were in a fairyland, till the 9th day of our married life.

My father met with a terrible accident incurring brain injuries, by the time I was in Kerala for honeymoon. We had rush and catch a plane to reach Chennai. It took 20+ days for my dad to show signs of consciousness. Meantime, we had to shuttle him between 3 different hospitals to bring him to safe zone. On the 30th day of my married life, when we were sighing with a bit of relief from the all the chaos, we had an even more terrible hit awaiting. We had to lose my brother’s life which made my family collapse catastrophically, especially my Mom who was the spine of our family. As a continuum, fear and guilt shadowed the family, we had to shut our family business. Fear and guilt took a great toll on my mom and sister’s physical and mental health; the shut of business threw us in a financial crunch.

My better half was by side with all her dreams collapsed and having no strength to take further hits. I too was at the verge of getting broke. Luckily I had a few people to share things, which I never used to do. One such friend, Suresh Balachandar introduced me two lines of words from one of his favorite books. Those two lines made a remarkable difference in the way I perceived the situation, it gave me enough strength to step a further mile. It pushed me to carry my family with immense hope.

We as a family are slowly recovering now, and I still have those two lines from the book ‘Puyalile Oru Thoni’ pinned on my table and mind.

https:/www.lunaticlab.wordpress.com

“There isn’t a distance which cannot be crossed or a burden which cannot be carried”. (Note : Tried translating the two lines of hope)

 

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Pebble #7 : Being Chaotic…

This post is a continuation of my previous posts

Phase I : Being Different…

Phase II : Being Abnormal…

Phase III : Being Chaotic

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My schooldays were over. I had a very short college life and that’s when i entered this chaotic phase of my life. I started questioning and doubting all the fundamentals i believed so far. Religions too were a part of them.

A couple of years back, in my church when they asked me teach the Sunday school children, the story of Adam and Eve,

I said, “No. I can’t”.

They,”Why don’t you?”.

I said, “No. I don’t believe that story anymore for it looks like a cartoon story. How could i teach something, that even i don’t believe?”.

“What the hell do you mean?”,  now the tone was different and I could see certain eyes were getting red.

“I don’t mean anything, I just question. How there was so much wisdom entrapped in a fruit?? Just by eating that how did Adam and Eve became the wisest of all creatures and the first sinners of the human race?”.

“Don’t you question the word of the lord. They are holy secrets”.

I replied saying,”There are no secrets. If there are, they are meant to be revealed”

My church elders cursed me, “How dare you deny the very truth of the lord. It is written in the holy book and the whole world believes it. How do you deny it, little Moron”.

I said, “I don’t question the presence of Lord or Satan. Let’s assume that I believe their presence, but how could  a simple fruit make the whole human race filled with seeds of sin?”

“What the hell do you think, might have happened then?”.

I replied, “I guess, Eve must’ve had an intercourse with Satan (if there was somebody called Satan). Hence there was the seed of sin. In such case we are all heirs of Satan, not of the Lord your God”.

They must’ve really found it Chaotic.

Well,

Some say, “You are different”.

Some say, “You are abnormal”.

Some say, “You are chaotic”.

Very few say, “You are nothing”… and I prefer that.

P.S. : No religious sarcasm intended. Discussions are very welcomed and appreciated.

Life of a Lunatic…

This post has been published as a part of ‘CBC’s Six-Word Memoir Tag’.  The baton was passed to me by Sulaiman Sait, who speaks in the language of poems. You can taste the elixir of  his poems here.

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Well my life is,

“A pendulum between bliss and chaos”.

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Oops, I am the last one in the queue… It all ends with me… 😛

Pebble #3 : Being Different…

Some say, “You are different”.

Some say, “You are abnormal”.

Some say, “You are chaotic”.

Very few say, “You are nothing”… and I prefer that.

What do they really mean by the adjectives, different, abnormal, chaotic???

Does anybody really know how does it feel to be one of those??

Dare-to-be-Different

Phase I : Being Different

Yeah, as a child I did few weird things.

When everyone used their notebooks from front page, I tried using them from the last page.

Yeah, I had some strange symbols in the place where my name should be.

Yeah, I spoke to walls… I preferred them than those people around me.

Well I found it funny by the time, but my teachers didn’t. They found it crazy.

Yes, in my every notebook I had a set of pages simply filled with question marks and those favorite strange symbols.

Though I was the youngest in my class, I was excessively built and had moustache and beard stumps in my fifth / sixth standard itself; they found it different again.

All those teachers of mine, wanted me to sit in the last bench far far away from them all. Except for a few who knew what I was then. I had this situation of changing my seat every hour based on the teacher yet to come to class. I had  a different time table for my seating arrangement.

I was hardly speaking till I was eighth standard.

My parents found it different and they initially started asking me to talk what’s there in my mind. They also meant that they were ready to listen. But had I anything to speak??.

Days went on, and they started worrying about me and pleaded me to talk out. And in a couple of days, they found it very strange and frustrating which resulted in I getting beaten off for not talking.

A fine night I decided, I will talk henceforth. But I had no subject to talk of, so I had the stress of creating events or things so that I can talk of them. Later I found my tongue immediately delivered whatever I was thinking in my mind, even before I could finish thinking about it. My parents turned happy that at last I am talking.. but I felt it bad, speaking something meaningless always just like the way am writing this post now..

Yes, everyone laughed when I induced that friend of mine to ask a doubt in that specific chapter in biology which every teacher deliberately skipped all those years. But I didn’t know, that it was so embarrassing to question / answer that topic.

Well they all said, “You are different”.

(…to be continued with Phase II : Being Abnormal…)

Encounter #2 – Tears of a Chaotic soul

A couple of years ago, the last Sunday of that year.. After in the noon i was getting ready to meet few of my schoolies in one of their houses. When i was pressing my shirt, my Mom sensed that am starting somewhere. Those were the years, i had no much freedom to go out somewhere on my wish.. (even now too, but I’ve learnt to disobey it. 🙂 ).

Knowing that am gonna go somewhere, Mom said that we are going to THAT Uncle’s house mentioning his name. As usual, i got a little irritated and told her,
“I’m going to meet my friends.”
“No, way” this was her.
I replied,”Why didn’t you tell this yesterday itself?”.
There started our argument cum quarrel and at-last i yielded to her as like ever.

I had no much intimacy towards him; since from my childhood i might’ve seen him just 5 or 6 times, not more than that. But he was a little closer to my parents. I knew that he is going through cancer. Doctors confirmed that he will be no-more in the next couple of weeks. Though i knew it, i was not interested to see him and take part in the last few days of his mortal life.

Fearing my mom’s angry face I started along with her and my younger sister.  Meanwhile, my mobile was ringing so many times, showing few of my friends’s names. I picked only the first two calls to tell them that I’ll be  joining them late in the evening. But I knew I’m the one who organized such meet for discussing an important event which was yet to happen in the following week.

After switching two buses, at-last we reached his home. He was there lying in the floor. I was a little shocked to see him, completely collapsed  from his health and charm look.
The pathetic fact was that, he was unaware of his cancer. His family and the doctors hid the fact from him saying some other ailment.
Sitting beside his head i talked to him for few minutes. Again rang my phone. I rejected the call. Ringing and rejecting went on for few hours. All those hours i was urging my mom to start from there showing some signs and scratching her foot sitting next to her.
(That uncle recognized my urge somehow.. May be due to his experience..). Finally we started from there and I let my mom and sister go home while i was rushing to my friend’s house. The moment they saw me, few patient less friends of mine yelled at me and we got convinced as like ever. Things went on, that important event too was a success. In the next two weeks that uncle of mine was no-more.
Years rolled on…
Ultimately now, most those friends are not with me and that uncle of mine too.

Now in the recent days, am feeling worst for my behavior that day.

Why did i behave so?
Was i so cruel?
Or Because he was someone far from my emotional bandwidth?

Last night while i was thinking of this tears were trickling out of my eyes even before i could control them. Now am unable to offer him anything more than those Delayed-Drop-Of-Tears.

His soul might be Resting-In-Peace…
Mine is under Chaos…

~ Mr.Lunatic…
(Lost in Chaos…)